Face

Picture Credit: Lakshmi Ambady

“Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others.” -Carl Yung.

What you refuse to face will shape you. This isn’t about weakness or avoidance but It’s about how the human system survives. When something hits you too hard be it emotionally, psychologically, even physically, your system doesn’t always process it in real time. It does something smarter- it puts it aside so you can keep going. But putting it aside doesn’t mean it’s gone. It becomes part of the background architecture of who you are. Think about it like this—if you learned early on that expressing your needs led to rejection, you might stop asking. Not consciously. Just… quietly. Over time, you become independent, low maintenance and easy-going. It even looks like a strength. But underneath, there’s a part of you that learned- it’s not safe to need. That’s what shaping looks like. Or if you were hurt by someone you trusted, you may start anticipating disappointment. You read between the lines, stay guarded, maybe even pull away before someone can hurt you again. Again, this doesn’t feel like avoidance. It feels like intelligence. Like instinct. But it’s still being shaped by something you haven’t fully faced.

What we don’t face doesn’t sit quietly. It leaks. It leaks into your tone. In the way you walk. In the way you look at the world with your eyes. Into the way your hands and feet move when you are sitting idle. Into the way you clench your jaw. Into your choices. Into the kind of people, you feel drawn to. Into what you tolerate. Into what you avoid. Into your relationships and interactions with people. And the frustrating part is—you can be incredibly self-aware and still be living inside patterns you haven’t felt through. Because facing something is not the same as understanding it. You can explain your childhood perfectly but when triggered, still react like you’re in it.

Facing something means allowing yourself to experience the truth of it—the anger, the grief, the fear—without immediately shutting it down, fixing it, or explaining it away. That’s the part most people avoid. Not because they’re weak, but because no one taught them how to do it safely. So instead-

We stay busy- A wife in an abusive marriage might have an OCD for cleanliness. Non -stop cleaning helps her to not think about the abuse.

We overthink- An overcautious man might think he’s being cheated and justify it to himself that he’s being careful because the world is full of cheaters.

We intellectualize- A woman ignored by her parents as a child will dissect every talk and every action because she thinks she knows better and hence is smarter.

We distract- A boy who was not acknowledged enough feels he can multitask and becomes a people pleaser.

We move on logically- A girl whose intelligence was not appreciated will feel she is smarter than others and has more sense than those around her and is special.

This is how life keeps shaping us around what we never turned toward. But here’s the shift that changes everything-The moment you start facing what you’ve been avoiding—even gently, even imperfectly—you interrupt the pattern. You might notice:

You pause before reacting.

You feel something instead of numbing it.

You say what you mean.

You choose differently, even if it’s uncomfortable.

What is happening here is that your reactions start becoming responses, confusion turns into clarity and survival patterns become choices. It’s subtle at first. But it’s real. And over time, something steadies inside you. You’re no longer being quietly moulded by old pain. You’re in a relationship with it. And that’s where your power is—not in never being affected, but in no longer being unconsciously shaped.

Let’s experiment with this-

Facing things does not mean diving headfirst into your deepest pain and hoping you come out stronger. That will backfire. The real work is quieter.  So, let’s bring this down to a short somatic exercise which can be done on your own. Sit comfortably on a chair with your feet on the ground and tell yourself this- “Today I do not need to face everything. I can face just a bit. Just what is enough for me now at this moment.”. Then pick something small but real. Not your biggest trauma. Leave that for your therapist. Pick something like-

A moment where you faced a tiny rejection or a small tiff recently. Or…

A short conversation still bothering you.

And now instead of analysing it, do something different with it. Sit with it. And I mean literally just pause and close your eyes if it helps to bring that moment to your mind. Then ask yourself this one simple question-

What do I feel in my body right now?

Do not go to the story. Do not analyse any meaning in your head. Go to the sensation in your body. And you might notice- a tightness in your chest, or a knot in your stomach, heaviness in your shoulders or restlessness like you want to get up. Try to control that urge.

Stay there.

Your instinct will be to move away- check your phone, fiddle with something, drink or need to eat something or think about something else. 

Your mind may say- I will figure this out.

Don’t. Don’t go to the mind.

Just stay with the sensation in the body for a few seconds longer than it is comfortable.

And that is it- You right there facing it.

And now the important part is not to overwhelm yourself. If it starts to feel like too much- breath getting shallow, mind racing or you are feeling flooded with emotions, pull yourself back. Open your eyes. Look around the room. Feel your feet on the ground. This is you, building capacity. Learning resilience in a tiny way. Like training a muscle. Obviously, you do not lift the heaviest weight on Day 1, do you?

Do this in short rounds- 30 seconds to just 120 seconds of feeling sensation. Then look around the room and come back to the present. Over time you will notice a change. The sensations that once felt too much start to move. They shift, soften and maybe even release. If you felt a tightness in your chest, you might feel an expansion in its place. If you felt a knot in your stomach, you might feel a heat going down your belly, pelvis and down the feet. If you felt your shoulders to be heavy, you might feel a lightness and an urge to lift your arms up. You might even feel a wave of emotion- sadness, anger or even relief.

Welcome it. Sense it simply.

You do not need to fix it. The body is extremely intelligent. It knows what to do.

You just ask yourself this honest question- what have I been avoiding feeling here?

And you will usually get a simple answer:

I felt unwanted

I felt not good enough

I felt afraid they would leave me

Don’t argue with it. Let it be true for a moment. And this is the part most people skip. Their cortical brain and ego make them jump right to the solutions. But naming the truth is what stops it from quietly shaping you. And then very gently you can choose something different. A small shift. You can-

Say aloud what you feel when you felt rejected. Or...

Stay present with the body instead of withdrawing to some distraction by simply noticing the sensations and what your body is trying to tell you. In time you can learn to slowly face your felt sense without being overwhelmed. Just by going slow.

And this is how patterns can be broken. Through self- awareness of making small new choices. And recognize this- if you have been avoiding something for years, there is a reason. Your system is simply protecting you. So go slow with yourself. Stay honest. Build trust with your own body. It’s your biggest and only ally. Always. Always has been.

“Im gonna wake up yes and no

I'm gonna kiss some part of

I'm gonna keep this secret

I'm gonna close my body now

I guess I'll die another day

Sigmund Freud

Analyze this.

I'm gonna break the cycle

I'm gonna shake up the system

I'm gonna destroy my ego

I'm gonna close my body now

I think I'll find another way

There's so much more to know

I guess I'll die another day

It's not my time to go

For every sin, I'll have to pay

A time to work, a time to play

I think I'll find another way

It's not my time to go

I guess I'll die another day

I think I'll find another way

There's so much more to know

I guess I'll die another day

It's not my time to go...

I shall die another day.”

“Die another day.” – Madonna. 2002.