See people as they are

Picture credit: Lakshmi Ambady

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."- Maya Angelou, American activist and writer.

We are taught from an early age to see the good in people. And not to see people how they clearly are. This is not inherently wrong. Infact it serves an important purpose for if a child saw only danger in others, it would be a struggle to form relationships, trust caregivers or participate in society. The problem arises when “see the good in people” becomes “ignore the bad.” Most of us have grown up believing that noticing harmful behaviour is disruptive for the family, unkind or a sign of being selfish. Behaviours are often dismissed as-

He didn’t mean it.

She’s having a difficult time.

Deep down she’s a good soul.

These statements can be true but it’s essentially a way of avoiding reality. A person can be good hearted and still be irresponsible. A person can be wounded and still be abusive. A person can love you and still repeatedly hurt you.

We humans are a mixture of strengths, weaknesses, virtues, fears, capacities as well as limitations. When we are taught to only focus on the good, we lose the ability to see the whole person. And we keep resisting to who they truly already are. We also see people through the lens of our own fears, wounds, desires and expectations. We see the partner we want instead of the partner we have. We see the parent we needed instead of the parent who exists. We suffer when we fall in love with potential instead of reality. We see kindness in someone cruel, depth in someone unavailable, loyalty in someone inconsistent. Sometimes this comes from hope. Sometimes from loneliness. Sometimes from the part of us that believes love can transform people if we just try hard enough. But people reveal themselves constantly-

In the way they speak when angry.

In the way they handle responsibility.

In the way they disappear when things become difficult.

In the way they treat those who cannot offer them anything.

The nervous system often notices the truth long before the mind accepts it. Think about this-Hasn’t your body ever tightened around unsafe people?   Have you ever felt exhausted around manipulative people because your system is constantly trying to predict them? Yet the mind creates stories-

“Maybe they will change.”

“Maybe they didn’t mean it.”

“Maybe if I love them better…”

Facing the truth and seeing people as they are means learning to stop arguing with evidence. This does not mean becoming cynical or cold. It means becoming clear. For compassion does not require distortion. You can understand someone’s wounds without denying the damage they cause. You can love someone and still recognize they cannot give what you need.

Psychologically, humans often project unmet desires onto others. We don’t see the person clearly- we see our longing reflected onto them. Carl Jung spoke about this as Projection — the tendency to place unconscious hopes, fears, and fantasies onto another person. In relationships, this can make us attach not to who someone is, but to who we need them to become.  So, seeing people clearly means-

Believing patterns more than promises.

Observing actions more than words.

Accepting reality without needing to control it.

Look around you. You will see that some people are loving but emotionally immature. Some are charming but unreliable. Some are wounded and still harmful. Some truly care, but do not have the capacity to meet you where you are. And some people are exactly as beautiful as they first appeared. The goal is not to judge people harshly. The goal is to stop abandoning yourself to maintain illusions. Peace begins when you stop trying to force reality to match your desire. When you stop negotiating with what is. When you see people as they really are.

“You say that you really love me

I'm always on your mind

And you say I should be your lover

And we should spend some time

But I'm not persuaded that quickly

My heart has been broken before, you see

So if you want to be my lover

You have to prove your love is true to me

Cause it's easy to tell me you love me

Easy to say you're thinking of me

Words are so easy to say

Show me, show me you really love me

Actions speak louder than words

Show me, show me you really need me

'Cause all those lies I've already heard

Show me, show me you really love me

Let me believe that it's true

Show me, show me you really need me

And I'll get together with you

“Show Me” by the Cover Girls released in 1986