Sexual Healing

Picture credit: Lakshmi Ambady

“We marry our parents’ dysfunctions.”- Gabor Mate, Canadian physician and author.

This statement sounds harsh, but it contains a profound psychological truth. Most people do not consciously choose partners who resemble their parents. In fact, many people spend years insisting they want the exact opposite. Yet somehow, they often find themselves in relationships that recreate the same emotional struggles they witnessed as children. The faces may change but the dynamics remain. A woman whose father was emotionally unavailable may swear she will never choose a distant man. Yet she repeatedly falls in love with people who cannot fully show up emotionally. A man who grew up with a critical mother may promise himself he will find someone accepting and gentle. Yet he repeatedly chooses partners whose approval he seeks constantly. This is when chemistry feels like fate and childhood patterns stay hidden inside attraction.

Most people believe sexual chemistry is something that simply happens. You meet someone. Your heart beats faster. You cannot stop thinking about them. Conversations feel electric. Being around them feels exciting, intoxicating, almost magical. You call it chemistry. You assume it means you have found the right person. But what if chemistry is not always about compatibility? What if some of the strongest attractions you experience is your nervous system recognizing something familiar from childhood? Not because it is good for you.  But simply because it is familiar. This is because the body remembers what the mind forgets. Pure somatics at work, isn’t it?

Long before we understand language, our nervous system is consistently learning. A baby learns what love feels like. A child learns whether their needs matter. A young nervous system learns whether relationships feel safe, unpredictable, comforting, critical, distant, or overwhelming. And these experiences become the blueprint for future relationships. And most of this leaning happens underneath conscious awareness.

As adults, you may have forgotten the details of our childhood. You may not remember specific conversations or events. But your nervous system remembers the emotional atmosphere in which you grew up. It remembers what connection felt like. It remembers what love required. It remembers what closeness cost. So, years later, when you meet someone who creates a similar emotional experience, something inside you recognizes the pattern. And it’s called chemistry. And just because this chemistry is familiar it does not always mean it’s healthy. One of the most important lessons in psychology is that human beings are not naturally drawn to what is healthy. We are naturally drawn to what is familiar. If you grew up in a home where love was consistent and reliable, stability may feel attractive. But if you grew up in a home where love was unpredictable, stability can feel strange. So, consider a child whose parent was emotionally unavailable. The child spends years trying to earn attention, affection, and approval. As an adult, they may feel an intense attraction toward partners who are similarly distant. Why?  Because their nervous system recognizes the pattern. The pursuit feels familiar. The uncertainty feels familiar. But even the longing feels familiar. The attraction may feel powerful, but the power often comes from the activation of an old wound rather than genuine compatibility.

And it’s very interesting to note that many people are surprised when they begin healing and notice that their attractions change. For a partner who would have seemed exciting a few years ago suddenly feels exhausting. And someone kind, emotionally available, and dependable may initially feel uninteresting. This can be confusing. Because there is no spark. The answer is often simple. The nervous system has learned to associate intensity with connection. If your early relationships were filled with uncertainty, criticism, emotional highs and lows, or constant vigilance, your body may interpret those states as normal. When a healthy relationship appears, it lacks the familiar drama. The nervous system may mistake peace for boredom. But peace is not boredom. Peace is what safety feels like when you are no longer accustomed to it.

None of this means there is something wrong with you. The nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Because its primary job is not happiness. Its primary job is prediction. As we know the human brain is a predictive and a repetitive organ and so it’s always asking -

“What is familiar?”

“What have I survived before?”

“What patterns do I recognize?”

When it finds a familiar pattern, it often relaxes into it, even if that pattern causes suffering. This is why intelligent, successful, self-aware people can repeatedly find themselves attracted to partners who hurt them. The issue is rarely a lack of intelligence. It is usually a deeply ingrained relational template operating beneath awareness. So, how does this pattern of chemistry fit into compatibility?

Chemistry is immediate.  Compatibility reveals itself over time. Chemistry can exist without compatibility. Compatibility can exist without overwhelming chemistry. The healthiest relationships often contain both, but they are not the same thing. Many people spend years chasing chemistry while ignoring compatibility. The result is often a series of relationships that feel exciting at first and painful later. But when you decide to heal one of the most profound signs of healing is not that your childhood disappears. It is that your attractions begin to change. You start noticing different qualities in people. Kindness becomes attractive. Reliability becomes attractive. Emotional maturity becomes attractive. You become less captivated by people who trigger old wounds and more interested in people who can genuinely meet you in the present. The nervous system slowly learns a new lesson-

Love does not have to be earned.

Love does not have to be chased.

Love does not have to hurt.

Over time, attraction begins to align less with old survival strategies and more with genuine connection. When you feel strong chemistry with someone, it can be tempting to ask- “Is this person my soulmate?”. But a more useful question might be- “What feels so familiar about this person?” and the answer might reveal something new- An old childhood pattern wearing a new face. The feeling can be similar. The outcome is often very different. And learning to recognize the difference is one of the most important forms of emotional maturity. Because sometimes chemistry can be the beginning of love. And sometimes it is the nervous system inviting us to revisit a story that has not yet been fully understood. A story about your sexual healing.

“Ooh baby, I'm hot just like an oven (heal me my darling, heal me my darling)

I need some lovin'

And baby, I can't hold it much longer (heal me my darling, heal me my darling)

It's getting stronger and stronger

When I get that feeling

I want sexual healing

Sexual healing, oh baby

Makes me feel so fine

Helps to relieve my mind

Sexual healing baby, is good for me

Sexual healing is something that's good for me

Whenever blue teardrops are fallin'

And my emotional stability is leaving me

There is something I can do

I can get on the telephone and call you up, baby

And honey I know you'll be there to relieve me

The love you give to me will free me

If you don't know the thing you're dealing

Oh I can tell you, darling, that it's sexual healing...”

“Sexual Healing”- Song released by Marvin Gaye in 1982