Let go

Picture Credit: Lakshmi Ambady

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So, you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them, they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”- Morgan Freeman - The Shawshank Redemption.

There is a moment that happens in almost every healing journey that no one is prepared for. It is the moment when a person realizes they are not actually holding on because they are weak. They are holding on because some part of the body believes letting go is dangerous. And this changes everything. Because most people think healing is about learning to relax, forgive, trust, surrender, or move on. But the nervous system does not respond to philosophy. It responds to safety. We live in a culture that is trapped in idealistic ideologies, a community that believes praying to God or performing rituals can suddenly absolve karma. We live in a society that is egoistic and selfish. The mind is the greatest gift to mankind for it is because of great minds that the world exists the way it is today. But we forget the mind cannot exist without the body because the way we live today is built by hands. The mind maybe a carrier for imagination, foresight and thinking but it’s the body that must do the real work. And a body that feels safe can make the world around it safe.

A person can repeat affirmations for ten years, perform various religious rituals, talk about their love for God, their unwavering devotion for the creator and still feel trapped inside themselves because the body is repeatedly asking a different question entirely-

“Is it safe now?”

Not intellectually. But biologically. And this is one of the most misunderstood truths about trauma. Trauma is not simply the bad thing that happened to you. Trauma is what the body had to do to survive what happened.

Sometimes you learnt to stay hypervigilant.

Sometimes you learnt to shut down emotion.

Sometimes you learnt to overthink everything.

Sometimes you learnt never to depend on anyone.

Sometimes you learnt to become useful, perfect, pleasing, invisible, successful, funny, spiritual, or endlessly strong.

At first, they seem like personality traits which soon become our identities. But they are not. They are survival strategies. And survival strategies do not disappear because someone tells you to just let go. The body only releases what it no longer believes it needs for protection. This is why healing can feel so frustrating for people new to trauma work. A person may desperately want peace while simultaneously feeling terrified of it. Because for many people, stress became familiar long before safety ever did.

The child who grew up in emotional unpredictability learned that relaxation was risky. If the house became suddenly quiet, something bad usually followed. The nervous system adapted by staying alert. The child who was shamed for crying learned that vulnerability created disconnection. So, the body learned to suppress emotion before rejection could happen. The child who had to care for emotionally immature parents learned that their worth depended on being needed. So, adulthood becomes filled with exhaustion, over giving, and guilt whenever rest appears. The body remembers these environments long after the mind forgets them. Not as stories. As states. This is why someone can be objectively safe themselves and strongly believe so and still feel unsafe inside themselves. To the world they may seem strong, confident, steady, wise but inside they find it hard to let go of habits that weigh them down, their fears, their anger, their grief and shame. We all know the human brain is a predictive organ and loves to repeat life stories, events and memories hence guiding human experiences based on this repetition. So, the nervous system struggles to live in the present and it does not easily ask- “What is happening now?”

It is always asking- “What does this remind me of?” And that could be-

A raised voice.

Silence.

Disappointment.

Distance.

Being ignored.

Being laughed at.

Being abandoned emotionally.

Being too much.

Not being enough.

The human body organizes itself around these memories automatically. This is adaptation. Because the human nervous system evolved for survival, not happiness. The brain is constantly scanning for danger through a process neuroscientists call Neuroception. Long before conscious thought appears, the nervous system is already deciding-

Am I safe?

Am I connected?

Do I need to protect myself?

The body answers these questions faster than language. And that is why trauma survivors often say- “I know logically everything is okay, but I still feel scared.” This is because logic lives in one part of the brain. But survival instincts live way deeper. The amygdala — the brain’s alarm system can activate milliseconds before the rational mind catches up. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood the body. Muscles tighten. Breathing changes. Attention narrows. The organism starts to prepare for danger. And if this has happened repeatedly during childhood, the nervous system can begin to begin treating survival states as normal. Chaos can become familiar. On the outside it may seem as being intelligent or an efficient multi- tasker or the ability to organize so much all alone but it’s really hypervigilance becoming identity. And then taking control or domination can feel like safety. Then one day healing asks this person to rest. And the body panics. Because stillness means vulnerability to a nervous system trained for war. This. is why letting go is not an act of force. It is an act of earned safety. A baby zebra in freeze does not just get up and run away after a lion tries to kill it. It thaws when conditions become safe enough for it to come out of freeze response. When it sees there is no lion around to kill it. We humans are not different. So, in therapy, people often ask this question- “How do I let go? “But a deeper question is:

“What would my body need to finally stop protecting me this way?”

For some people, it would mean relationships where they are not constantly bracing for abandonment. For some, it would mean learning that making mistakes does not threaten connection. For others, it would mean grieving the childhood they never had instead of endlessly trying to recreate it through achievement, perfectionism, people pleasing or rescuing others. Sometimes safety begins with very small things.

A slower breath.

A conversation where you are not interrupted.

Someone staying calm while you express emotion.

Learning that disagreement is not danger.

Resting without guilt for five minutes.

Eating without rushing.

Saying “no” without punishment.

Being allowed to exist without performing.

To someone without trauma, these moments seem ordinary. But to a wounded nervous system, they are revolutionary. Because trauma is not only the presence of pain. It is the absence of enough safety. Healing therefore is not becoming a different person. It is teaching the body that the danger has passed. And this takes conscious and willing repetition. Because we are bio- chemical beings and biology learns through experience. Every moment of genuine safety slightly reshapes the system. Every regulated interaction teaches the body a new possibility. Over time the body slowly learns-

I do not have to anticipate attack all the time.

I do not have to earn love through suffering.

I do not have to stay armoured to survive.

This is why trauma therapy like Somatic Experiencing ® and Family Constellations often look deceptively simple from the outside. People imagine healing as dramatic breakthroughs. But often it is quieter than that. It is learning how to stay present during discomfort instead of abandoning yourself. It is noticing tension in the jaw before it becomes rage. It is realizing your exhaustion is not laziness but years of carrying invisible vigilance.  It is discovering that your body has been speaking in symptoms, fatigue, anxiety, numbness, digestive issues, insomnia, chronic tension, and emotional overwhelm because it never felt safe enough to soften. The body is trying to protect you with the only strategies it learned. Eventually healing fills a person with a profound realization- The goal was never to force myself to let go. The goal was to become safe enough that letting go happened naturally.

And perhaps there is a deeper truth here. Many people are not afraid of healing itself. They are afraid of what happens if they simply let go. What about you? Are you afraid? Can you let go?

“I'm not loving you, way I wanted to

What I had to do, had to run from you

I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong

And that haunted me, all the way home

So you never know, never, never know

Never know enough, 'til it's over love

'Til we lose control, system overload

Screaming, "No, no, no, no-no"

I'm not loving you, way I wanted to

See I wanna move, but can't escape from you

So I keep it low, keep a secret code

So everybody else don't have to know

So keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown

Keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown

Now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown

Now keep your love lockdown, you lose

I'm not loving you, way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true

I got something to lose, so I gotta move

I can't keep myself, and still keep you too

So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone

How many times did I tell you 'fore it finally got through?

You lose, you lose

I'm not loving you, way I wanted to

See I had to go, see I had to move

No more wasting time, you can't wait for life

We're just racing time, where's the finish line?

So keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown”

“Love lockdown” song by Kanye West released in 2008