Keeping Trauma Alive

“Joffrey. Cersei. Walder Frey. Meryn Trant. Tywin Lannister. The Red Woman. Beric Dondarrion. Thoros of Myr. Ilyn Payne. The Mountain. The Hound.”

- Arya Stark in Game of Thrones.

Most people assume that trauma stays alive because something is wrong with them. But trauma does not persist because the body is broken. It persists because some part of the organism believes it is still serving a purpose. And this is one of the most difficult truths- trauma survives because at some level, this purpose works. Not perfectly. Not without cost. But well enough that the nervous system continues to choose it.

A person who was humiliated may keep reliving old memories because vigilance feels safer than being surprised again.

A child who grew up with unpredictable parents may become anxious because anxiety creates the illusion of control.

Someone who was abandoned may keep expecting rejection because expecting pain feels less dangerous than being shocked by it.

What is trauma doing here? Your trauma is not trying to hurt you. It is trying to protect you with outdated information. For when the body believes- “The last time we relaxed, something bad happened. Let’s not do that again,” the problem thus becomes that the nervous system often cannot tell the difference between then and now. Because a traumatic memory is not stored like a normal memory. Normal memories are remembered as events from the past. Traumatic memories are often experienced as events that are still occurring.  This is why a sound, smell, facial expression, or tone of voice can suddenly trigger overwhelming emotions. The body is not remembering. The body is reliving.

Trauma also reserves loyalty. From a family systems perspective, trauma can also serve another purpose. It can maintain belonging. Children are profoundly loyal to their families. A child would rather feel defective than believe their parents were unable to provide what was needed. A child might unconsciously carry anxiety, depression, guilt, or self-blame because those burdens preserve attachment. The logic here is very simple. The belief states that - “If I am the problem, I can stay connected to the people I love.”  And this pattern often survives into adulthood. Many people unknowingly carry emotional pain because releasing it feels like betraying their family story. So many a times healing can feel dangerous because it creates distance from familiar suffering. If generations before you also suffered, thriving may unconsciously feel disloyal. The nervous system may ask- “Who will I be if I stop carrying this?” and this is how trauma creates an identity. Over time, trauma can become more than a wound. A person may begin to organize their life around what happened. Conversations revolve around it. Relationships revolve around it. Decisions revolve around it. And slowly the trauma becomes a central character in the story of self. Without realizing it, people can become attached to the pain because it provides certainty. And pain is also familiar. Whereas the unknown is not.

In Somatic Experiencing® therapy and EFT, a question often appears somatically-

“Who am I when the wound is no longer the most important thing about me?”

And the answer is that many people are not willing to let go of suffering. Hence there is a cost to keeping trauma alive because every adaptation in nature has a price. Hypervigilance creates exhaustion. Emotional numbness creates loneliness. Control creates rigidity. People-pleasing creates resentment. Perfectionism creates chronic stress. The strategies that once helped you survive eventually become prisons. And the body, the soma pays the bill. Sleep becomes disturbed. Muscles remain tense. Digestion becomes affected. Inflammatory processes increase.  Stress hormones remain elevated. The nervous system spends enormous amounts of energy preparing for dangers that no longer exist. And what once saved us eventually begins to consume us.

So, how does healing work as catharsis here? How does Somatic Experiencing®, Family Constellations or EFT help to release trauma?  Many people imagine catharsis as dramatic crying or emotional release.  Sometimes it is. But true healing is deeper than emotional expression and it occurs when the body finally completes something that was interrupted.

A cry that was suppressed.

A boundary that was never spoken.

A fear that was never acknowledged.

A grief that was never mourned.

The nervous system carries all these unfinished experiences. From years and years. Healing allows those experiences to reach completion. When this happens, something remarkable occurs. The body stops spending energy holding the past in place. The system relaxes and the organism no longer needs to keep repeating the same story.

People often expect fireworks when they sign up for therapy. But healing is surprisingly ordinary.

A deep breath. A spontaneous sigh. Warmth spreading through the body. Relaxation in the jaw. Tears arriving without force.  A sense of spaciousness. A feeling that something heavy has finally been put down. Many people describe it as-

“I didn’t know I was carrying that much tension until it was gone.”

The release is not dramatic because healing is not an explosion. Healing is often a return. A return to the natural state that existed before survival became necessary. Trauma survives because it believes it is protecting life. And healing occurs when the body finally understands that life no longer requires that protection. The goal is not to erase the past. The goal is to stop sacrificing the present in service of the past. And when this happens the nervous system learns-

“The danger happened. But I survived. And now it is over.”

And in that moment, something wonderful happens. The energy that was once used to maintain the wound becomes available for living. The body no longer needs to remember through suffering. It can remember through wisdom. And this is the deepest catharsis of all—not having the need to keep trauma alive and not forgetting what happened but finally becoming free to live beyond it. So, do you want to? Can you?

“Joffrey. Cersei. Walder Frey. Meryn Trant. Tywin Lannister. The Red Woman. Beric Dondarrion. Thoros of Myr. Ilyn Payne. The Mountain. The Hound.”