How We Treat Mothers Becomes How Children Experience Life

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“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”—Abraham Lincoln

Imagine that your DNA is like a library containing the complete instruction manual for building and running your body. This library is divided into 46 books called chromosomes, arranged in 23 pairs. But one pair is different from all the others. These are the sex chromosomes- the X and the Y. Every person receives one chromosome from their mother and one from their father. Mothers always pass on an X chromosome because females have two X chromosomes (XX). Fathers can pass on either an X or a Y chromosome because males have one X and one Y (XY). So essentially this means that-

If the father contributes an X chromosome, the baby is typically genetically female (XX).

If the father contributes a Y chromosome, the baby is typically genetically male (XY).

So, biologically, it is the father’s sperm and not the mother’s egg that determines the genetic sex of the baby.

Now, what makes the X and Y chromosomes different? Think of the X chromosome as a large reference book. It contains instructions for hundreds of important jobs throughout the body, including brain development, vision, blood clotting, immune function, growth, and many aspects of how cells work. The Y chromosome is much smaller. Think of it as a tinier but specialized instruction booklet. Its most important role is to trigger male development. It carries a gene called SRY, which acts like a switch. Around six to seven weeks after conception, if the embryo has an SRY gene, it signals the developing gonads to become testes. The testes then produce hormones, such as testosterone, which guide the development of male reproductive organs and many male physical characteristics. Without the SRY gene, the embryo typically follows the developmental pathway toward female reproductive anatomy. An interesting fact is that every embryo begins with very similar structures. In the first few weeks, male and female embryos look remarkably alike. It is only after the SRY gene is activated {if present}and hormones begin to act that the developmental paths diverge.

Another fascinating feature is that females have two X chromosomes, while males have only one. You might wonder why females don’t produce twice as much of every X-linked protein. The body solves this through a process called X-inactivation. Early in development, each cell in a female randomly switches off one of its two X chromosomes. This keeps gene activity balanced between XX and XY individuals.

In simple terms-

The X chromosome is a large, multi-purpose instruction manual used throughout the body.

The Y chromosome is a smaller, specialized set of instructions whose key role is initiating male development.

Neither chromosome is “better” than the other. They perform different roles. The X provides many of the body’s essential operating instructions, while the Y contains a small but crucial set of instructions that directs male sexual development. Both are necessary parts of human biology, and together they contribute to the diversity of human development. From a scientific perspective, this does not make one sex “better” or “more important” than the other. Human life requires both maternal and paternal contributions. But symbolically, the difference between the X and Y chromosomes offers a powerful lens through which to think about trauma and healing. Every human being begins life inside a woman’s body. Before we have language, identity, religion, culture, or beliefs, we exist in relationship. Our first reality is connection. And the X chromosome can be seen as a biological reminder of this truth.

Long before a child develops a separate sense of self, they live within another nervous system. The mother’s heartbeat becomes their rhythm. Her hormones influence their development. Her emotional state shapes the environment in which their nervous system is forming. As developmental neuroscience increasingly shows, a baby’s brain develops in relationship, not isolation. In somatic healing, this is a central idea. And the larger X chromosome becomes a metaphor for this reality. An infant cannot regulate itself. Regulation is first provided by another human being. Over time, the child internalizes this experience and develops the ability to regulate independently. When this process is interrupted, the body often carries the consequences for decades. Because every nervous system begins in relationship. Every heart first learns rhythm from another heart. Which points to something profound-the wellbeing of mothers directly influences the wellbeing of children.

A mother’s nervous system is one of the primary environments in which a child develops. During pregnancy, her stress hormones, sleep quality, nutrition, emotional safety, and social support all affect the developing baby. After birth, her capacity for regulation influences the infant’s ability to learn regulation. This is why societies that exhaust, isolate, criticize, or overwhelm mothers often end up passing that burden to the next generation. The child may never know the source. But the body does.

A daughter-in-law who enters a family is often expected to absorb enormous emotional pressure. In many cultures, she may leave behind her familiar support system and adapt to a completely new family structure. If she is constantly criticized, controlled, excluded, or burdened with unrealistic expectations, her nervous system begins living in a state of chronic stress. That stress does not stop with her. It affects her sleep. Her immune system. Her emotional availability. Her relationships. And her pregnancy. And hence her children. This is not because mothers are responsible for everything. It is because human nervous systems are interconnected. A stressed mother does not create a stressed child through weakness or failure. Rather, the child is adapting to the emotional environment in which they are developing.

Somatic therapies repeatedly observe that children are exquisitely sensitive to the emotional state of the adults around them. They may not understand the family politics. They may not know why their mother cries in private or remains silent at the dinner table. But their bodies register the tension. The nervous system is always listening. This creates an important ethical question-

If a family genuinely wants healthy children, should its attention begin with the child?

Or should it begin with the people caring for the child?

Often the most effective gift grandparents can give their grandchildren is not money, education, or possessions. It is kindness toward the child’s parents. A daughter-in-law who feels respected is more likely to feel safe. A woman who feels safe is more likely to be regulated. A regulated nervous system is more available for connection. And connection is one of the most important ingredients in healthy childhood development. From a Family Constellations systems perspective, a child is often the emotional expression of the entire family system. When there is chronic conflict around the mother, the effects ripple through the whole system. The old saying that “it takes a village to raise a child” may be incomplete. The village is also teaching the child’s nervous system what relationships feel like. If the mother is treated with dignity, the child learns dignity. If the mother is treated with kindness, the child experiences kindness. If the mother is constantly humiliated, controlled, or frightened, the child learns that relationships are places of danger rather than safety. The lesson is not that mothers should be placed on a pedestal. The lesson is that they should be supported as human beings. Because every child lives, at least initially, inside the emotional climate surrounding their caregivers. The way a family treats its mothers and daughters-in-law is not merely a matter of culture, tradition, or manners. It is an investment in the nervous systems of future generations. Long after words are forgotten, children carry the emotional atmosphere in which they were raised. And that atmosphere begins with how the adults treat one another.

You worked two jobs

To keep a roof up over our heads

You chose life for me

No, you never gave up

I admire you for the strength you've instilled in me

You were so young

You were just my age when you had me

Mom, you were so brave

There was nothing gonna stop or get in our way

And I know you will always be there for me

So when you're lost and you're tired

When you're broken in two

Let my love take you higher

'Cause I, I still turn to you

I still turn to you

I still turn to you

It was '94

The year that everything started to change

From before, you had to be a woman

You were forced to change your ways

To change your ways

You found the Lord

You gave your life to Him

And you could not ignore

The love He had for you

And how He wanted more of your heart

So when you're lost and you're tired

When you're broken in two

Let my love take you higher

'Cause I, I still turn to you

I don't know what I'd do if you left me

So please don't go away

Everything that you are is who I am

Who I am today, oh, oh, oh

So when you're lost and you're tired

When you're broken in two

Let my love take you higher (you higher)

'Cause I, I still turn to you (I, to you, to you)

I still turn to you 

“I turn to you” song by Justin Bieber released in 2012